


Should've Known

by Pain_thats_it_thats_the_fic (Pippythewriter), Pippythewriter



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Father Figures, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Josh Lyman has PTSD, Leo Mcgarry & Donna Moss, Please Don't Hate Me, Possible spoilers for Noel, Sad Ending, The Author Regrets Everything, additional warning in end notes, in additional tags because for some reason it's not already a tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25416721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pippythewriter/pseuds/Pain_thats_it_thats_the_fic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pippythewriter/pseuds/Pippythewriter
Summary: "For Toby, of all people, to come to him he should've known. But he didn't, not until Josh was right in front of him shouting at the President in the oval. He should've known, he'd known the kid longer than any of the others. He'd watched him grow up for Pete's sake! The worst part was that when he thought back it really wasn't the first time."'Sorry, I suck at summaries. This one's dark folks, be warned.'
Relationships: Josh Lyman & Leo McGarry
Comments: 9
Kudos: 11





	Should've Known

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I'm Pippythewriter, and this is my first West Wing fic (first posted one, anyway). I've been in The West Wing fandom for a little over seven years now, but I only just got the courage to make an account. This show, and the fanfic for it, has gotten me through a lot, and I want to give back. Fun fact: West Wing is the first fandom I was in, and the one that introduced me to fanfiction. Anyway I hope you like what you read, but first:
> 
> PLEASE READ! I have left out some of the warnings for this fic to prevent spoilers. However, the trigger warnings I didn't include are in the Author's Note at the end of the fic. If you are afraid that you might be triggered by something, PLEASE check the END AUTHOR'S NOTE before you read. If you'd rather take your chances and not be spoiled, feel free to read on. Please do whatever you need to protect your mental health, I will not be offended if you choose to skip this one. Stay safe friends :)

Leo had gotten in earlier than usual so he could get there before Josh. There was a good chance he'd bolt if Leo wasn't there to make sure he actually went to the meeting with Dr. Keyworth. He sighed, it seemed like his plan had already backfired because Josh was late this morning. Josh could never make it easy for him, could he? Leo shook his head at his internal musings. It wasn't Josh's fault, not really. It was clear to him now that the boy was struggling with something a lot deeper than the usual stress and anger issues. He was in pain. And Leo needed Toby, who just a few months ago seemed to constantly be at odds with Josh, to tell him so. Leo didn't know what he could have possibly been thinking not to notice it.

No, that wasn't true. He had reasoned that this had happened before, and it had always gone back to normal (well, as normal as Josh ever was) after some time had passed. That's what he'd told Toby when he'd approached him the first time. Toby wasn't convinced, and he shouldn't have been either. For Toby, of all people, to come to him he should've known. But he didn't, not until Josh was right in front of him shouting at the President in the oval. He should've known, he'd known the kid longer than any of the others. He'd watched him grow up for Pete's sake! The worst part was that when he thought back it really wasn't the first time. Just the worst, that he knew of, anyway...

_22 years earlier_

Leo was surprised, to say the least, when Noah called him out of the blue one morning. "Leo McGarry."

"Leo it's Noah, how are Jenny and Mallory?" Noah asked, which threw Leo off further. Noah never called just to chat, there was always a purpose behind his calls.

"They're fine." Leo answered.

"Good good, and yourself?" Noah asked. Leo furrowed his brows, something must be wrong, Noah never beat around the bush like this.

"I'm fine. Noah, is something wrong?" Leo asked.

"No, why do you ask?" Noah responded. Honestly, you'd think a lawyer would be better at lying. Him and Josh neither one were ever any good at it. Speaking of...

"How's Josh?" If he called Leo about something and was avoiding talking about it, chances were it was about his son. Noah sighed. _Bingo._

"He's avoiding home." Noah admitted. Leo raised his eyebrow.

"He tell you why?" Leo asked, Noah sighed again.

"He says it because of a new girlfriend." Noah answered.

"You don't believe him?" Leo asked.

"He hasn't even bothered to make up a name for her Leo, and she's supposed to be the reason he isn't coming home for spring break." Noah stated, and Leo cringed.

"That's pretty bad, I think he might be a worse liar than you." Leo replied, and it showed just how worried Noah was that he didn't respond. "You're really worried, aren't you?"

"Something's going on with him. When he came home for winter break I knew something was off. He wasn't all there, kept spacing out." Noah started.

"He's in college right now Noah. You don't think you might be overreacting?" Leo asked and there was a long pause. "Noah?"

"Something happened, between him and Ruth, neither of them will tell me what it is." Noah admitted.

"Why'd you call me?" Leo asked.

"I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but if it isn't too much trouble..." Noah trailed off.

"You want me to go talk to him." Leo finished for him.

"If it isn't too much trouble. It's just, he listens to you." Noah asked. Sometimes between Ruth and Josh he forgets that Noah can hold his own in the guilt department.

"Yeah yeah, I'll do it." He responded.

"Thank you Leo, really." Noah stated sincerely. "You know I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure there was something to worry about."

"I know."

* * *

That was how Leo found himself outside of dorm room 314 in Harvard university. He knocked on the door. Inside Josh yelled 'It's open!'. Leo smirked and opened the door.

"Chris is out with- Mr. McGarry! What a surprise." Josh's expression was priceless.

"Hey kid. How are you doing?" Leo asked with a smile.

"Fine, I'm fine. What are you doing here?" Leo raised an eyebrow and Josh winced. "I didn't mean it like that. I just, uh, wasn't expecting you."

"I was just dropping in for a visit." Now Josh raised his eyebrow "Hadn't heard from you in awhile. How are your classes?"

"Fine." The suspicious look didn't leave Josh's face.

"I heard you got a girlfriend." Leo said and Josh sighed.

"Is that what this is about?" Josh asked tiredly.

"Part of it." Leo conceded.

"Did mom send you? You know she's paranoid, there's nothing to worry about, really." Josh defended himself.

"What's her name?" Leo asked.

"Who? My mom?" Josh feigned confusion, Leo rolled his eyes.

"No, smart alec, your girlfriend." Leo responded and Josh faltered, trying to think of something on the spot.

"You really didn't even try to come up with a name?" Leo shook his head.

"Okay, not my best cover, I'll admit. But it really isn't a big deal, mom's just blowing it out of proportion-"

"Noah's the one that called me." Leo told him, which really threw Josh for a loop.

"Dad called?" Josh asked in disbelief.

"Yes." Leo answered.

"Really?" Josh asked.

"Do you really think I would have driven here if it was just your mother being paranoid?" Leo asked.

"Yes." Josh responded immediately.

"Why?" Leo asked.

"Because she's terrifying." Josh answered simply. Leo paused.

"Fair enough, but It was still your dad who called. He's concerned." Leo stated. Josh contemplated this for a minute.

"He really called you?" Josh asked again and Leo rolled his eyes.

"Yes Josh, he thinks you're avoiding home. Are you?" Leo asked.

"Not... exactly. There was just this, thing, with mom awhile back." Josh started.

"I heard." Leo replied.

"It's really not a big deal at all." Josh continued to protest.

"Then why don't you tell them?" Leo asked.

"Because mom will think it's a big deal and she has enough on her plate right now as it is. I didn't really consider that dad might be worried. I'll call him." Josh sighed.

"Make sure to do that." Leo told him, starting to head out the door. "They're just worried about you because they love you, you know that right?" Josh sighed.

"Yeah, I know. All it was was that mom sent me something she found going through old junk. I had a... thing, about it. It wasn't a big deal but I don't want her to feel guilty for sending it to me." Josh said.

"Call your dad tonight." Leo reiterated, and Josh nodded as Leo walked out the door.

_Present Time_

Now Noah was gone, having asked Leo to watch out for his son. He'd already failed spectacularly once to keep his promise, he wouldn't do it again, he hoped. There was a sharp knock on the door to his office.

"Come in." He called, and Donna came into his office. Leo was immediately put on edge, Donna rarely came to his office, and never without an appointment, or at least prior warning. And if he wasn't mistaken she was wearing the same dress she'd worn to the concert last night. "Donna? What is it?"

"I tried to get a hold of you but you weren't answering your phone so I just came to the office-" Donna rambled in one breathe.

"Donna, slow down, what's wrong?" Leo asked as it became clear that something definitely was.

"I went to the concert with Josh last night. I begged him all week to take me because Yo Yo Ma rules and he finally gave in. I've been working insanely hard the past few weeks, I thought I deserved to get a night off and not have to worry about work. So I did, and the concert was amazing and I wasn't thinking of anything else besides the music." Donna started, but Leo was lost.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure where you're going with this?" Leo asked.

"Please just let me finish." Donna requested through clenched teeth, Leo nodded. "I let my guard down. I've seen Josh the past few weeks, I knew something was going on and I still let my guard down. Something happened during the concert, and he left and I didn't realize it until after. CJ, Sam, and Toby were all worried afterward because they saw him have some sort of episode during the concert. I was sitting right next to him and didn't realize it. Heck, I've seen him have an episode before and I didn't realize!" Donna trailed off hysterically. Leo came to her and guided her into one of his visitor's chairs. She immediately started gripping the armrests and avoiding eye contact.

"Donna, whatever happened, it'll be okay, we're getting him help." Leo tried to reassure her.

 _"No_ it _won't!"_ Leo was taken aback by the painful fire of her response.

"What happened Donna? Why would you think that?" He asked, afraid of the answer.

"Because, after the concert I went to his apartment to check on him and... He's gone Leo, Josh is gone. He's been hurting for so long and it's been getting to him, I knew better. I should've known." Donna's confession was full of pain and hysteria, but all Leo registered was three words. _Josh is gone._

"Donna... What do you mean gone?" Leo knew the answer, but he was in shock and it just came out.

Donna nearly snapped at him before she remembered her own words spoken in shock a few months ago. She wondered if this was how Toby felt when he told her that Josh was hit and her response was _'With what?'._ She remembered his gentle explanation, took a deep breath, and tried to channel that into her own response.

"I went to his apartment to check on him, and I got in there and it was a mess. I found him..." Donna took a minute to get herself together, trying get away from the all too fresh memory of the night before. "I was too late, by the time I got there he was already... dead." She barely got the last word out before breaking down. Leo finally got it together enough to try and give her the comfort she needed. It wasn't enough, he knew it wasn't, not when the meaning of her words were finally starting to hit. Weeks. Josh had been hurting for weeks. Donna wasn't the only one who was too late.

He should've known.

**Author's Note:**

> ADDITIONAL TRIGGER WARNINGS: off-screen suicide of a main character, (obviously, given the last one) major character death
> 
> I'm sorry for how dark this was, I don't usually do MCD. If it's any consolation, this was painful for me to write. If anyone's interested in a sequel or alternate ending to this, please sound off in the comments below. Also, feedback is balm to my soul and greatly appreciated! Regardless thank you so much for reading! Have a wonderful day :)
> 
> P.S. This story will now have multiple chapters. So if you enjoyed, please stay tuned :)  
> ... Crap, now I have to actually WRITE the follow-up. If you don't hear from me for awhile it's because I'm busy suing myself for emotional damages.  
> P.P.S. To anyone currently following this story, I WILL be continuing this. Hopefully soon. I'm currently working on my Voltron: Legendary Defender series, Ohana. But fear not! I have a stopping point in mind and am currently steadily approaching it. Once I get there I will be taking a break from that to continue this story, ideally finishing it up and writing the other 2 TWW fics I have planned.  
> Thank you for your continued patience ❤


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